Posts tagged love

The Art of the Dinner Date

Eating is instinctual. And like a lot of instinctual things (ahem… the bedroom) men often go on autopilot when there’s food in front of them. Now that’s all fine and good when you’re standing over the sink eating cereal by the handful and straight from the box, but if you’re out with a woman who got all dressed up for this… it’s time to change gears. The meal you’re about to share isn’t a necessary chore for survival. It should be an event. And your attention to a few key details will help make it one.

Mastering the art of the dinner date isn’t hard, and it’s not all about proper etiquette like which fork is for what (start at the outside, work your way in), or when you put your napkin on your lap (just do it when you sit down), although that certainly helps. Remember these simple rules before you head out to that fancy restaurant and she might even be excited to share a dessert with you.

(By the way, these here are simple things you might already know of. But we often ignore these just cos we already know the lady better or just cos we think that it’s okay in ignoring these as she is in love. But, trust me, taking consideration to do these things goes a long way in favor of where you stand in her mind.)

1. She goes first. With everything.

And that goes from the moment you pick her up. She’s the first to get in the car because you’re holding the door for her. Same goes for walking into the restaurant. She’s also the first to take her coat off because you’re assisting there too, and the first to sit down at the table. She looks at the wine list first, and orders first (unless you’re sharing a number of agreed upon dishes- then it becomes your job to order for the both of you). She also gets to pick the first piece of bread or whatever appetizer shows up before the entrée. As men, we’re selfish. We’re used to fighting for that slice of pizza or the last beer amongst our equally selfish man friends. Show her that she is your priority. Not the wine, not your steak, not the crème brulee. She is.

2. Pace yourself.

In general, men eat at a faster clip than women. They’re on a stroll. We’re at a solid trot. Slow down. There’s no deadline for you to finish your meal. Plus, if all you’re doing is shoving food in your mouth, how are you going to be able to carry on a conversation? Which leads us to…

3. Listen to her.

A great way to slow your eating down is by listening to what your date has to say. She’s probably pretty interesting (or better yet, very interesting). Of course you don’t want to over do-it and make her feel like she’s delivering a lecture to a hall full of grad students, but pay attention to her, not the other guests in the restaurant, your oddball waiter, or any of the other distractions flying around the room.

4. Look the part. Wear a sports jacket or blazer.

As long as it’s not a total dump, you should be wearing a jacket. And get it tailored. Why? Because when you sit you take a major hit to your shape. Women like guys with shoulders. And when you’re in a chair (or worse yet, some kind of booth), it’s easy to look like you’re collapsing in on yourself. A tailored, natural shoulder jacket will help you maintain that athletic V-shape. It doesn’t have to be wool, and it shouldn’t have rigid shoulder pads. Even Old Navy sells casual cotton blazers for around fifty bucks that when tailored will do the job. Plus, the inside jacket pocket gives you an easily accessible place for a card case or the other supplies in your gentleman’s arsenal. So at the end of the meal, you’ll get to effortlessly remove your chosen form of payment from your jacket instead of from under your rear.

4.5 And when it comes to the payment…

You’re paying. All of it.

5. Two drinks. Max.

Chances are you’ll be having a nice glass of wine. So enjoy it. If you want another? Go right ahead. But having a third drink over dinner almost guarantees that she won’t be up for another cocktail once the check comes. And even if she is, you won’t be at your best by then.

See? Easy stuff. And unlike the specials and the orders the wait staff have to commit to memory, these shouldn’t be too much to remember. Get all of these right and you might even land a second dinner date. Even if you spent half the meal with a piece of spinach stuck in your teeth.

Remember, these rules apply even if you have a dinner date at home.

Read Do’s and Don’t On A Dinner Date.

Is she the one?

When it is comes to getting hitched, guys get cold feet for two reasons. Some guys are uber-picky.

One, they have a list in their minds of their perfect wife characteristics: hot but not slutty, smart but not nerdy, skinny but a good cook, etc. Unfortunately, no real woman can live up to the fantasy, and these guys stay perpetually single. The second type of guy looks at others’ failed marriages, particularly his own parents, and won’t get married because of the fear of choosing the wrong woman.

The truth is that knowing you’ve found the right woman to marry is not rocket science. For most men, the decision to marry their wife was the easiest decision they’ve ever made in their life. Here are five guidelines that according to me goes a long way in deciding is the girl I love will be my wife, the one for me:

1. The relationship goes smoothly from the beginning. The best relationships I have seen, happened completely naturally from start to finish. The couple meets, they get along swimmingly, they start dating, and then they get married. A good relationship sometimes or mostly never has a single dreaded “DTR” (Define the Relationship) during the courtship. Everything about the relationship feels like the most natural thing in the world. Some never even break up to then get back together again. Or even consider doing so. In contrast, many couples break up and get back together numerous times. They fight and then make up and then fight again. I’m not saying that men in such volatile relationships should not get hitched. But the volatility will inevitably continue into the marriage. Whether that volatility is acceptable is up to each individual man and their sense of the strength of that relationship.

2. She gets along well with your family and friends. Now there may be exceptions to this rule: your girlfriend and one of your friends or family members may simply have clashing personality traits. But in general, it is a red flag if your girlfriend does not mix well with your loved ones. Think about it - your family raised you and made you who you are, and you picked your friends based on your common interests and values. If she doesn’t like them and they don’t like her, then it may mean you are not seeing something important about your girlfriend that they see. When you are in love, it often blurs your vision and judgment. Your loved ones have an outsider’s perspective on the relationship. This doesn’t mean you should break up with a woman just because your friends and family don’t like her. If you are sure of your relationship, be confident in moving forward with it. But it is wise to seek honest feedback from others.

3. There is nothing major you want to change about her. There will always be differences and conflicts in a relationship. But if there is something truly significant about your girlfriend that you wish she would change, then that is a red flag. In the initial stages of a relationship, when your brain is bathed with love chemicals, you may be willing to overlook the flaw or even find it strangely endearing. But after several years, when the love chemicals have ebbed, this flaw may begin to grate on your soul. Remember, people seldom change, and marriage won’t make her change either. If there’s something about your girlfriend that you know deep down you can’t live with, than it’s time to move on. You’re wasting both of your times.

4. She’s your best friend. Physical attraction and chemistry are obviously crucial to any relationship. But at the core of the relationship should be a strong and deeply rooted friendship. Forty years down the line you’re both going to be soft, wrinkly, and saddled with low libidos. What’s going to hold your marriage together when you are old and gray is your friendship. Therefore, if you feel like your girlfriend is your best friend in the world, there is a very good chance that she is the one for you. Do you want to spend all your time with her? Does she make any situation from going to a ballgame to doing your taxes more enjoyable? Do you feel like you could tell her anything and that she knows more about you than anyone in the world? Yes? Well then, she’s a keeper.

5. The thought of marrying her doesn’t scare you in the least. While the image of a man shaking in his boots and having second thoughts the night before his wedding makes for good TV and movie plots, the reality is that when you are marrying the “one,” you won’t be scared at all. Most of the happily married people I know, throughout their entire period of dating and being engaged, up until the night before their wedding, they never had a single second thought about their impending nuptials. The only thing they ever felt was happiness and excited anticipation. Like all of these tips, your mileage on this one may vary. I’m not saying that if you are nervous you shouldn’t get married. But if you go back and forth every week about whether you have made the right decision, you may want to do some serious soul searching.

Marriage is not about finding a person you can live with, it’s about finding the person you can’t live without. When you find that woman, you can be sure she’s the one.

Have any feedbacks or things you might think you want to add? Let me know.

How to Get Over a Break-Up Like a Man

Breaking up is hard, whether it is mutual or one party does the dirty work. Any serious relationship that ends will leave one or both people heartbroken. Breakups can sometimes be fast, slow, civil, or just plain normal. But that is not to say that it is painless. Fortunately, heartache is bearable if you can man up. Almost all of this advice is a composite of good advice from friends and first-hand experience.

Leading Up to Breaking Up

There is always a period of time leading up to the break-up where at least one self-aware person in the relationship will notice that there is trouble in paradise. Whether it’s a short relationship or one spanning many years, there’s always a road to break-up. It can take a matter of hours or it can take months. If you’ve ever heard the term “the suspense is killing me,” then you’ll understand that this is the hardest part of any break-up. Here are some tips on handling this phase:

• Don’t behave differently, unless they ask you to. Trying to make changes without knowing exactly what the problem is will make things more awkward.
• Don’t break up with them just to avoid being dumped. It’s cowardly, and you might regret ending something you could have saved.
• Don’t pretend the relationship is over and start seeing other people. If you want to end it, end it. If they end it, it is over. Until then, you still have obligations.
• Talk to her. This might end things more quickly, but that’s a good thing. If it’s going to happen, better it happen sooner so that you can start getting better.
  
  

The Actual Break-up

This is where things get ugly. This is also when you want to ask questions. You want to ask them now, because you’ll want time away from them after the break-up. You’ll also want to find out exactly what it is they are thinking in case it really is something you can fix. Ask questions like:

• What can we do to make this work?
• What can I do to make things better?
• Why are you ending this?
• Is there someone else?
• What can I do to make future relationships work better?

The key to the break-up is dignity. Being a pathetic, sobbing wretch is not going to win her back. Neither is being a furious, profanity-spewing juggernaut. Hold your head up, have respect for her and have respect for yourself. Be reasonable when you try to find out what you can do to save the relationship; you shouldn’t give in to demands or options that you don’t want to live with. There have been several times I’ve offered to save the relationship by promising something I really wasn’t comfortable with, but it doesn’t fix the relationship; it simply shifts the awkwardness around. You might still be with her at the end of it, but at what cost? Do both of you a favor: remember your dignity.

Aftermath

People will try to give you formula like ‘a week for every month’, but the truth is that you’ll be better when you are better. This is when you might cry your eyes out or hit the gym or find a friend with a punching bag in his garage. Remember that it’s over. Here are a few things to keep in mind in the meantime.

• Be reasonable. Don’t join the army on a whim or shave your head. Do not do anything dangerous or stupid. I promise that you won’t win her back scratching obscene language into her car door. You definitely will not win her back by putting the moves on her best friend or by starting a fistfight with the fellow you think she is dating, now.
• Your friends and family are there for you. Don’t be afraid to let them know you could use a pick-me-up, like some company at a movie or a camping trip or just to hang out while you grade papers or fact-check a journal article.
• Stay busy! You don’t have to stay so busy you don’t think about it, but working out or working on a project will give you a sense of purpose that will make things more bearable. This is the time for that project you’ve been meaning to do for years.
• Avoid her. Don’t listen when people tell you that you should not be afraid to be around her. Take all the time you need to get your feet back under you. When you’re ready to see her, you will know. Until then, put her pictures and love letters away. You wouldn’t expose an open wound to the elements, would you?
• Don’t go looking for pity. You should know the difference between having a bad moment and spending eight weeks with the same depressing Facebook status. You will not feel better; you will only bring down the friends who actually care about your plight.
• Do not stalk your ex! Stay away from her Facebook or Myspace. It’s tempting, but what you need to do is build yourself up again. Trying to keep this person in your life by hanging out by her house or checking her e-mail or logging on to their social networking site is not just unhealthy, it’s an invasion of privacy.

Your life will go on. Things will get better. It will take a long time, in all likelihood, and it will take some work. Above everything else, remember your respect for the other person and your respect for yourself. Keep your head up high and roll with the punches.